Yes it’s officially the Jewish New Year. And while I’m not Jewish, I thought it would be a good time to celebrate my wasp, growing up on Upper West Side, heritage. Here are some traditional Jewish New Years resolutions.

1. I will not, under any circumstances buy a bagel from somebody who doesn’t understand what just a schmear means. A schmear of course meaning way too much cream-cheese and having to scrape some off with the paper wrapper clumsily on the train.
2. I will use the word hamantashen more in conversation, and will forcibly find ways to insert it if necessary.
3. I will honor my mother’s wishes to find a nice jewish girl and settle down with already. What are you trying to do, break your mother’s heart? And why don’t you come to the Upper West Side to visit your mother more regularly? You look thin, you want some something to eat?
4. I will stop riding the train to bensonhurst to hang out with the orthadox community, no matter how much I want to wear a big fuzzy hat.
5. I will not under any circumstances watch this video.

Happy 5767. Since I was born in 1977, That makes me 3790 years old. I have to say I look pretty good for my age.