Photograph by (michelle)
Today on my way into work, I was witness to a bizarre incident involving a man and a female traffic warden. It must have already escalated when I stumbled on the scene at the intersection of Ditmars and 33rd Street. The gentleman was in the street yelling at the traffic cop.
You are an ignorant bitch!
Oh, I’m ignorant? Well your mother!
My Mother?
That’s right, your mother!
Your Mother!
What you going to do? Bring it on, you piece of shit!
At this point I realized that this situation was really out of control, so I ducked into my local French pastry shop, directly next door, to get a cup of coffee and croissant. When I came back out the man was no longer standing outside and there were now 4 female traffic wardens milling around where the argument had taken place. At that moment, a large traffic van pulled up, lights flashing, with the words CPR Courtesy Professionalism Respect
stenciled on the side in big yellow letters.
My thoughts exactly.
Last night I attended Harold Night at Upright Citizen’s Brigade to catch some long-form improv.
So, after a few Harolds and a few beers I had to pee pretty badly and headed to the men’s restroom to relive myself and there was a line. Unfortunately, I psyched myself out by thinking, “I hope I can pee with all these guys behind me waiting to use the urinal” Sure enough… Pee shy.
CRAP!
I zipped up, turned around defeated, and wondered back over to the people I was sitting with. Of course, back in my seat my bladder regained it’s courage and again I had to pee like the dickens.
After the last Harold team went up, I sprinted back over to the Men’s Room and again was greeted by a line of fellow patrons all waiting to pee. “Please O’Lord,” I said to myself, “let me pee!” However, this time, I really had to pee and even my bladder couldn’t deny me release.
Then a voice from ahead said, “I have a lot of trouble peeing with other people watching.”
“It’s alright,” I said consolingly, “I had the same thing happen earlier.” The statement came out sounding a lot wierder than it would have, had we not have been in a men’s room at the time. But my friend up front couldn’t do it and left the bathroom humiliated.
Finally, it was my turn. I walked up to the urinal and hopefully waited for something to happen. And sure enough, I began to pee, but not a regular pee, this was one of those really long pees. The kind where your eyes tear up and you shoulders involuntarily shudder in relief. I must of stood there peeing for a good 3–4 minutes, now embarrassed that I couldn’t stop.